been a log time OR new day same feeling????

It has been a long time since I have blogged and I wondered why.

I figured it out. It is the same reason why now that I am 40 I still get crap from friends and loved ones about writing. Yes, I have a degree in creative writing from Carnegie Mellon but I don't use it. WHY?

It is just too personal. Yep, like all other humans, I loathe feeling vulnerable. So here I am with my garbage can of feelings spilling out all over my relationships thinking that maybe I have come to the precipice where it is time to learn to be OK with being vulnerable.

Saturday night I woke up with a nightmare. I dreamt that I was 25, still in undergrad, with no prospect for finishing my degree and stuck. The worst part of this "stuck" dream was that I was still married to X. That made me wake up in a cold sweat. I have been divorced for three years, am in a relationship with a man that I love who treats me well and am fortunate to be a part of a small family business that is doing well in spite of this economy.

Why I am still having nightmares about my marriage?

Why haven't I emptied out the garbage can?

Now last year was the worst year of my life. By FAR the worst year. I have done well in my recovery. I was warned however that everything I was trying to manage at one time was impossible and this is no different than experiencing any trauma in that you are in shock and will not be "dealing" with everything for awhile. I guess this is a while.

How do I "deal" with these items? Well I have one tool, the one that I have been afraid to use because of feeling vulnerable. Writing.

So here goes. Back to the drawing board. I have to blow the dust off of my knowledge and just let things spill out for awhile I guess.

I'll start simple. I have great anxiety. I don't want to say why just yet but I will. After the nightmare I did two things on Sunday to help me.

1. Did a double at Bikram yoga

2. Downloaded Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert to my kindle

For those of you that have never done Bikram, I encourage you to give it a try, especially if you are a type "A" personality. During my very hard time last year my dr prescribed Xanax and Ambien for me to get through. Now I hardly ever used the Xanax. I am afraid of it. I have seen someone addicted to Xanax so it scares me HOWEVER I did use it a few times. The reason I mention it is that one Bikram class is the equivalent in anxiety relief for me to one Xanax. Also when I go to Bikram classes I would generally not need to take Ambien to sleep at night.

Between my Bikram classes and at night I dove into Committed. Great book. Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert for putting into words what I feel and making me feel that I am OK to experience this. What is staring me in the face is that I have not come to terms with my marriage. I don't even know what marriage means any more yet I have a burning desire to be married. ? What the hell? WHY?

So here I am with a knot the size of my imagination in my chest. I am dealing with a terrible fear that I will talk about soon and the fear changes depending on my desire to focus on the fear (it increases) or to focus on creating more positive things (it decreases). I know that I have three things that I am supposed to use right now, 1. my writing 2. Bikram yoga and 3. introspection from the book Committed. I have one of those feelings that I am starting on a journey. I guess that because I have all the sinking feelings that you get when you are afraid to take the road beneath your feet.

I haven't blogged in a long time but...

life is still interesting being a SFRoofer.

Yesterday I fixed a toilet with a paperclip. Thankfully, I have no intention of leaving it that way but I was quite happy for an immediate solution without any "women's bathroom down time". I don't want to use the men's room here, I already have enough testosterone and my WSJ is located in the women's bathroom. I am unwilling to share my newspaper.

Since my last blog I made up my mind, went to Harley Davidson and took riding classes. They were fantastic! What a thrill! http://www.twowheeladventures.com/ This is the instructor's website. I highly recommend going to Harley Davidson of Atlanta and signing up for the rider's edge course if you want to learn the basics, in a safe environment by professionals that are concerned with your safety. It is affordable and a heck of a great time.

I also purchased my first Harley!! :) As Mark is in Fiji, I haven't gone for a ride since my only riding right now will be around parking lots until I get more practice time in. I signed up for another skills workshop in a few weeks and I very much look forward to learning and riding during the beautiful fall season in Georgia.

Meanwhile, after three months, I received the permits that I need to finally build my backyard. The concrete for the patio has been poured and the deck is in progress and the fence work is going on right now! I find it funny that the crews are more frightened of disturbing my bike than my house. They are amazing crews and doing beautiful work.

It has been a summer of turn around. I haven't fully recovered from all the things that have happened this year but I do feel like things are in better shape now than they have been in awhile.

Babe the sheep herding pig...

So I had a fantastic experience at the Women Owned Business convention last week in San Francisco. What an amazing conference! So well put together! I get an opportunity for one on one meetings with the supplier diversity managers at fortune 500 companies as well as these companies set up booths for a "job fair". Vendors go to the booths and speak further about each companies supplier diversity programs.

First, I have to brag about one company ~ The Coca Cola Company. NO ONE promotes supplier diversity like they do. They walk the talk and are FANTASTIC people. The influence other companies to embrace diversity without compromising quality! A++

However, for the first time at the conference, I had three people from three different companies actually laugh at me! I was a bit taken aback by this. Sure, it is funny that I actually get on roofs and work in construction. Yes, I have my purple bag that I use to carry my notes and camera onto roofs. Yes, I have boots made for women. I don't dip, smoke, or wear my pants in a fashion to reveal any exposed rear end parts. I have a degree from Carnegie Mellon and love my Rotary club. I show up 15 minutes early for appointments and appreciate our customers. Isn't that what customers want in spite of me being female?

Remember the movie Babe about the pig that wants to be a sheep herding champion? In the end, Babe wins the local herding trials...

Liar's Poker...

Did you ever play that game when you were a child? I don't even remember the game itself and all the details, all I remember is that you try to bluff and make others believe that you have a better hand than they do.

I notice we grow up to play liar's poker. Recently on a trip to X to visit people who I thought were to welcome us, I met someone that thought they were a master at this game but in actuality was transparent.

When I have friends and guests over for dinner, I always find out if the guests have any special health issues so I don't serve say a big cake to someone that has issues with gluten or that is a diabetic. Most of us would consider hospitality a common courtesy. Unless of course, you have something to hide.

If you have something to hide, liar's poker is one strategy. A great strategy in fact if you say, lack organizational skills, character and integrity.

Now I am in roofing. This means that when I see BS I simply say BS. Construction is like that. We try to keep it simple. Your job costs x. Your roof doesn't leak. I will be there at 10 am and I show up at 10 am. Very simple stuff (ok not all construction companies but we keep it simple). If I know that I am late and it is 10:30 and the client has been waiting for me on the roof, I don't play liar's poker and say "Well you didn't tell me what time to show up and you didn't send me an email and you were mean to one of my employees and they cried". Obscene and ridiculous. No, I don't try to be a jackass, I simply say, "I am very sorry that I am late. I respect your time and effort and I apologize sincerely."

So 19 of us flew around the world to visit a group in X country. Our first night, we were stood up by our hosts at a dinner we coordinated and paid for. Our second day an associate of the host borrowed the phone from my boyfriend to call the host and have that person finally (after ten months of planning, actually we did the planning, they did NOTHING) show up with an agenda for that day and the next. When they looked bad because of the lack of planning, etc. it all went to hell from there. After that my image somehow went from someone that had coordinated a big effort, to the image of a monster. This made me very angry. I had to bite my tongue a lot to not "go all roofer" on this person. I knew that if I had said "BS" at the time it would have made things worse.

But what I didn't realize until now is that the game isn't over. Everyone still has a handful of cards. What transpired in X country was a man who openly lied about me and my actions that every one of my team members refused to believe. One person that I am associated with who was not on the team did believe him. It caused me a lot of trouble. It caused me a lot of insult to think that someone who I thought knew me, questioned my character. But this whole time I forgot that this was just one round.

The problem is that this person is preventing a project from happening. Instead we have had a lot of drama and fanfare. All more signs of liar's poker.

stupid stupid stupid...

I am really hoping that maybe this is all some sort of PMS thing and not a mid life crisis.

So, soon I will be 40. OK, so I spent my 30s working my tail off, having a good time, learning and growing in experience. All good. But there is something about being female and turning 40. I have never had kids and I never want kids but isn't 40 the point of no return on that option? (without a lot of medical help or adoption).

And what about the other obvious "stuff" like a man at 40 looks fantastic meanwhile a woman at 40 looks fantastic with some ... help. I mean I hear jokes about men trading in for younger models and frankly, I wouldn't want to be with a man that is serious about that any way but it certainly does plant a seed. And it isn't a seed that bears a flower either.

What about the day of? If I want to stick my head in the sand now, what happens the day of? yuck.

And this "reevaluate everything" thing is completely awful. So as a result of a bad experience on a recent trip abroad I have questioned my community service organization. I really can't do that as I will be the president in a few years and that is an honorable commitment. It isn't my group that I have questioned either but a partner group who, IMHO have demonstrated a gross lack of integrity and responsibility thus turning me off to the organization a bit.

And then there is everything else you review, home, friends, etc.. I have a great home, great friends, great boyfriend but that little annoying self doubting voice just does a great job in diminishing it a bit.

What the hell is it about 40 that gets us so unglued??????????

Interesting...

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123612836110424527.html

My Rotary club got a mention in the Wall St Journal yesterday! HORRAY! The interesting and unexpected part of this was that several people from long ago contacted me as I am mentioned in the article. I was able to catch up with some great people.

Glam time!

It is that time of year again, our annual Rotary President's Ball! Great shots of Mark, Karolina Tony and myself!

Glam time!