Liar's Poker...

Did you ever play that game when you were a child? I don't even remember the game itself and all the details, all I remember is that you try to bluff and make others believe that you have a better hand than they do.

I notice we grow up to play liar's poker. Recently on a trip to X to visit people who I thought were to welcome us, I met someone that thought they were a master at this game but in actuality was transparent.

When I have friends and guests over for dinner, I always find out if the guests have any special health issues so I don't serve say a big cake to someone that has issues with gluten or that is a diabetic. Most of us would consider hospitality a common courtesy. Unless of course, you have something to hide.

If you have something to hide, liar's poker is one strategy. A great strategy in fact if you say, lack organizational skills, character and integrity.

Now I am in roofing. This means that when I see BS I simply say BS. Construction is like that. We try to keep it simple. Your job costs x. Your roof doesn't leak. I will be there at 10 am and I show up at 10 am. Very simple stuff (ok not all construction companies but we keep it simple). If I know that I am late and it is 10:30 and the client has been waiting for me on the roof, I don't play liar's poker and say "Well you didn't tell me what time to show up and you didn't send me an email and you were mean to one of my employees and they cried". Obscene and ridiculous. No, I don't try to be a jackass, I simply say, "I am very sorry that I am late. I respect your time and effort and I apologize sincerely."

So 19 of us flew around the world to visit a group in X country. Our first night, we were stood up by our hosts at a dinner we coordinated and paid for. Our second day an associate of the host borrowed the phone from my boyfriend to call the host and have that person finally (after ten months of planning, actually we did the planning, they did NOTHING) show up with an agenda for that day and the next. When they looked bad because of the lack of planning, etc. it all went to hell from there. After that my image somehow went from someone that had coordinated a big effort, to the image of a monster. This made me very angry. I had to bite my tongue a lot to not "go all roofer" on this person. I knew that if I had said "BS" at the time it would have made things worse.

But what I didn't realize until now is that the game isn't over. Everyone still has a handful of cards. What transpired in X country was a man who openly lied about me and my actions that every one of my team members refused to believe. One person that I am associated with who was not on the team did believe him. It caused me a lot of trouble. It caused me a lot of insult to think that someone who I thought knew me, questioned my character. But this whole time I forgot that this was just one round.

The problem is that this person is preventing a project from happening. Instead we have had a lot of drama and fanfare. All more signs of liar's poker.

stupid stupid stupid...

I am really hoping that maybe this is all some sort of PMS thing and not a mid life crisis.

So, soon I will be 40. OK, so I spent my 30s working my tail off, having a good time, learning and growing in experience. All good. But there is something about being female and turning 40. I have never had kids and I never want kids but isn't 40 the point of no return on that option? (without a lot of medical help or adoption).

And what about the other obvious "stuff" like a man at 40 looks fantastic meanwhile a woman at 40 looks fantastic with some ... help. I mean I hear jokes about men trading in for younger models and frankly, I wouldn't want to be with a man that is serious about that any way but it certainly does plant a seed. And it isn't a seed that bears a flower either.

What about the day of? If I want to stick my head in the sand now, what happens the day of? yuck.

And this "reevaluate everything" thing is completely awful. So as a result of a bad experience on a recent trip abroad I have questioned my community service organization. I really can't do that as I will be the president in a few years and that is an honorable commitment. It isn't my group that I have questioned either but a partner group who, IMHO have demonstrated a gross lack of integrity and responsibility thus turning me off to the organization a bit.

And then there is everything else you review, home, friends, etc.. I have a great home, great friends, great boyfriend but that little annoying self doubting voice just does a great job in diminishing it a bit.

What the hell is it about 40 that gets us so unglued??????????