It happened for the first time today. I suppose it was inevitable, you run into your ex somewhere. I know that in a perfect world, I would be able to tell you how emotionally healthy I am and I would be able to say that I felt nothing.
This is no perfect world.
I didn't actually have a run in with him, I just saw him and am under the impression that he did not see me. I was driving to a meeting and he was taking a walk. It was in a congested area where many cars pass at any given time.
I experienced a mix of humiliation and revulsion. He was wearing clothes and listening to an ipod that I recognized as I paid for them. In fact the sad and sick truth is that I was married as a financier and I married him so that I didn't have social pressure because I had never been married. There was nothing healthy to the relationship. Within 24 hours of the marriage, he was already taking my money to gamble.
Like a tapeworm, he was hard to get rid of as well. I asked him for months for marriage counseling and as he rejected any notions of my unhappiness, I asked for him to move out. He rejected this request as well. Finally, I changed the locks ~ a risky move but I had to get things going. Thanks to my extremely savvy lawyer, shortly thereafter I was divorced.
It would be very easy for me to say that I am angry because he used me so badly and was not even nice to me. In fact, his excuse for not getting me a card for our only wedding anniversary was that he was too busy playing blackjack the night before in Vegas and that didn't have time. But, it isn't about the money at all. In fact the money makes a very convenient social cover for the fact that I am humiliated by my choice. I could not have picked a worse choice. I was humiliated by his laziness, humiliated at the fact that I was a female married to a male who was the antithesis of my definition of a man. I was humiliated in the fact that he had no shame in me paying for the home we lived in, the car he drove, vacations, his condo, etc.. I was humiliated because I lied to friends and to family and told them that he wasn't the person that I knew he was because I was so embarrassed to be married to him. I was such a fool. To this day I am still so humiliated.
I will forever have court documents that show that I was married in November, 2005 and divorced in January, 2007. There is no statutory limit to that bond. I can not simply seal those records forever and learn and move on. I feel like I have a tattoo from another life.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Road Rage Recap...
I woke up today to local news reporting fights breaking out at gas stations because there is no gas to be found around Atlanta. I share in the same concern as every other Atlanta driver as I need gasoline as well. I had to wait in line and expect that I will do so again in the next few days. This concerns me as I am a recient road rage recipient.
Something interesting does happen when we get behind the wheel. I got so frustrated spending 1.5hr in my car commuting to work every morning that during this downturn in the housing market, I sold my house and moved to a house half the size for twice the price. I can't emphasize how much this has reduced my stress level. I am no longer angry when I am behind the wheel. It is just astonishing that while in a comfortalbe sitting position enjoying good music or listening to something interesting we can just fly wildly off the handle over an insignificant moment of what, someone going too fast, too slow, etc.?
Sadly, I might be the only person in the metro Atlanta area that is NOT angry behind the wheel (note: this is a recient event thanks to my move as I am very experineced with anger behind the wheel).
Case and point.
I was driving to my hair appointment two Saturdays ago on a lovely almost fall morning. Everything was going well until I had to make a left turn at a light, into a shopping center. I was behind a woman in a sedan who was obviously afraid to turn left. Each opportunity she had to turn, instead of actually turning, she would inch out further into the intersection until finally, she was at a 90 degree angle to me and blocking one of the incoming lanes of traffic. As I sat in my mid size suv and can see every opportunity she has to turn, I finally decided that if she doesn't get out of the lane of incoming traffic, someone will hit her and she will then spin into my car. So two more opportunities come and go and I decide to honk. Now I honked, I did NOT lay on the horn, wave my arms wildly or make obscene gestures.
Guess what, it worked! She turned and shortly thereafter I did as well and proceeded around to the building where I had my appointment. As I was gather my things and getting out of the car it happened ...
"Excuse me" ~ I turned to see an early 20 something woman in the drivers seat of the car next to me who had the left turn problem. "Yes". She proceeded to ask me what the *&%(@ my problem was. I told her that she put herself into a dangerous situation and if she were to be hit, I would be hit as well. She asked what my rush was and what in the heck was wrong with me. Again, I reiterated that my priority was to not be in a car accident. Then, she threw down the gauntlet and said "well you are just a bitch".
Now this could go a few ways but I have learned that sticking to the facts usually wins an argument. And after all she is 20 something, an age where logic is still a mystery. So I responded:
"I may be a bitch, but you are still unsafe. Learn to drive"
Then she killed a bird in my honor. Classy lady.
Something interesting does happen when we get behind the wheel. I got so frustrated spending 1.5hr in my car commuting to work every morning that during this downturn in the housing market, I sold my house and moved to a house half the size for twice the price. I can't emphasize how much this has reduced my stress level. I am no longer angry when I am behind the wheel. It is just astonishing that while in a comfortalbe sitting position enjoying good music or listening to something interesting we can just fly wildly off the handle over an insignificant moment of what, someone going too fast, too slow, etc.?
Sadly, I might be the only person in the metro Atlanta area that is NOT angry behind the wheel (note: this is a recient event thanks to my move as I am very experineced with anger behind the wheel).
Case and point.
I was driving to my hair appointment two Saturdays ago on a lovely almost fall morning. Everything was going well until I had to make a left turn at a light, into a shopping center. I was behind a woman in a sedan who was obviously afraid to turn left. Each opportunity she had to turn, instead of actually turning, she would inch out further into the intersection until finally, she was at a 90 degree angle to me and blocking one of the incoming lanes of traffic. As I sat in my mid size suv and can see every opportunity she has to turn, I finally decided that if she doesn't get out of the lane of incoming traffic, someone will hit her and she will then spin into my car. So two more opportunities come and go and I decide to honk. Now I honked, I did NOT lay on the horn, wave my arms wildly or make obscene gestures.
Guess what, it worked! She turned and shortly thereafter I did as well and proceeded around to the building where I had my appointment. As I was gather my things and getting out of the car it happened ...
"Excuse me" ~ I turned to see an early 20 something woman in the drivers seat of the car next to me who had the left turn problem. "Yes". She proceeded to ask me what the *&%(@ my problem was. I told her that she put herself into a dangerous situation and if she were to be hit, I would be hit as well. She asked what my rush was and what in the heck was wrong with me. Again, I reiterated that my priority was to not be in a car accident. Then, she threw down the gauntlet and said "well you are just a bitch".
Now this could go a few ways but I have learned that sticking to the facts usually wins an argument. And after all she is 20 something, an age where logic is still a mystery. So I responded:
"I may be a bitch, but you are still unsafe. Learn to drive"
Then she killed a bird in my honor. Classy lady.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Pay your flippin' bill...
So, today is one of the days that I think construction is not so much fun.
Sometimes I have the duty to call upon clients for payment. I particularly hate this duty when I act as a subcontractor. Thankfully, it is VERY rare that I am a sub.
So my blood pressure is at a boil as I pull the file for a client that is 90 days late. This BP number climbs a little bit more when I review the fact that it is a PITHY amount that they owe and that the real client is a FORTUNE 500 company WITH PLENTY of cash. ***breathe*** So I compose yet another email of the facts and send it off to everyone and every one's mom. Sadly, the job isn't bonded so I can request bonding information.
I might as well have called up the pope and asked for a little pardon on my divorce. (oh yea, great stuff for another blog moment)
And in the middle of my fierce little fingers flying across the keyboard, said client calls in response to my "toned down from what I really think" email. I realize that taking that call is actually unwise as perhaps I might say something brilliant like "oh yea well you're a booger eater!!" (really washed out as in construction what I would truly say would look something more like this You *#&(@#&% fu*)$)$#) sh$#()&%)$ as()#&)&$@%) etc.. and thus where is the fun in typing all those characters instead of the real thing?)
Am I a chicken or have I actually achieved the rare ability to realize when you have to compose yourself?
I am leaning to chicken as I still want to call them a bunch of &#%@(#&@%(#%^)@#%^)...
Sometimes I have the duty to call upon clients for payment. I particularly hate this duty when I act as a subcontractor. Thankfully, it is VERY rare that I am a sub.
So my blood pressure is at a boil as I pull the file for a client that is 90 days late. This BP number climbs a little bit more when I review the fact that it is a PITHY amount that they owe and that the real client is a FORTUNE 500 company WITH PLENTY of cash. ***breathe*** So I compose yet another email of the facts and send it off to everyone and every one's mom. Sadly, the job isn't bonded so I can request bonding information.
I might as well have called up the pope and asked for a little pardon on my divorce. (oh yea, great stuff for another blog moment)
And in the middle of my fierce little fingers flying across the keyboard, said client calls in response to my "toned down from what I really think" email. I realize that taking that call is actually unwise as perhaps I might say something brilliant like "oh yea well you're a booger eater!!" (really washed out as in construction what I would truly say would look something more like this You *#&(@#&% fu*)$)$#) sh$#()&%)$ as()#&)&$@%) etc.. and thus where is the fun in typing all those characters instead of the real thing?)
Am I a chicken or have I actually achieved the rare ability to realize when you have to compose yourself?
I am leaning to chicken as I still want to call them a bunch of &#%@(#&@%(#%^)@#%^)...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
