sad...

First off, shame on me, I started this blog on Saturday while getting my hair done in NYC and couldn't get my iphone to post anything except the title of "sad" and today I get a call from a friend worried about me. I am sorry!

Lets go back to Saturday.

My sister got me a color and cut appointment at "the" salon in NYC through her fashion photography network. What this means in reality is that I was going to pay through my nose for a haircut. OK, I am game.

I don't like normal chit chat gossip. I hardly ever follow celebrity stuff unless they are mentioned in the Wall Street Journal. I don't get excited about the demise of other people. I do talk with and about my friends and personal situations but not in a way that is harmful or destructive. When I am put into that position, it is clear that I am very uncomfortable.

While I am at the salon, I have my wedding and engagement rings on my right hand. I am wearing them as after the hair appointment, I am going to the diamond district to break them into pieces and turn them into other jewelry. This is a huge move for me and the last item left over from a terrible marriage.

It was as if sharks smelled blood in the water.

"Are you married?"
no
"Sorry, I just noticed your wedding rings"
I am divorced
"Oh, I see... well no worries you are young, you can find someone else"
(this is where I give them the eye in the mirror)
"they are beautiful rings"
***sigh*** (and I have no reading material so I can't ignore them forever)
... I give in... My former father in law started his career at Cartier and made them for me
"Really, so he was great but his son wasn't?"
Yes, he is a great man and these were the last items he made before he had eye surgery and can not work any more.
"Oh"
His son was a bad man.
"well at least you got the rings"
only because I pre nuped them and because they were in my safe in my office when he broke into the house to try to steal them.
"my God"

I can't go on. You get the point. There is more and for those of you who are familiar with my marrige, you can imagine. This goes on for what feels like forever. In reality it probably lasted around 15 minutes.

I don't like to talk about it. I talk to some people about it. I didn't even really talk to my sister about it. This puts a cloud over me.

Fast forward a few hours and we are in the diamond district. I take off the rings and my sister has to help me to give the jewelers direction as to what to do. I start to cry. Right there. I haven't cried about my marriage in 1.5+ years. Here goes the only nice thing that anyone relating to and including my husband ever did for me and I am tearing down all this work.

In the past few weeks, I have realized that I still carry baggage around with me. I said something mean to my sweetheart that wasn't about him at all. I apologized for it but what I did was wrong and was a result of my lashing out at the past. I saw my ex walking and felt like such a small idiot for marrying him. I got upset at a hairdresser for being nosey. I cried when I broke apart "the rocks". Jesus, how long does this last? I am in a whole new place in my life! I have a new (old) home, new friends, new dogs, an amazing new man, heck I even have a new "look"!

Saturday I was in a sad strange place.

I am glad that it is Monday.